I have taken a lover.

Dear Ampelmann,

You and I both knew this day would come. From the day we met, no matter our intense attraction to each other, this would always be just a fling. I am a student studying abroad--it could never work out. I have to go home, to the US, and finally graduate and attempt to use my useless liberal arts degree to find work. Ma

ybe my life will steer towards Germany again. But I don't know, and it would be foolish to lead you on.

We've had some good times, times I will surely miss. Coming to Germany unable to speak to anyone, except the majority of people around who speak English, I can now order coffee and in theory buy furniture and rent an apartment--those practice dialogs and conversations never take into account real conversation though. Unfortunately, I don't think I can continue my Deutsch lernen back at UMD since I'd love to graduate sometime before I'm 30, but I hope that all this progress I've made in the German language doesn't completely go by the wayside--one day, if our destiny is to meet again, dear Ampelmann, I should like to be able to converse with you properly. I will also miss the efficient public transportation, the obsession with recycling, and being able to see huge landmarks everywhere I look. The Brandenburger Tor still has not lost its majesty and I still am surprised by how easy it is to find the TV tower wherever you are in the city. Maybe my eyes are still drawn to it. I've lived in DC and for a short time in NYC--you'd think these landmarks would become second nature. But I guess its still new and exciting.

I am glad to be going home. Especially because of Christmas and this awkward transition week, and because finals suck no matter the country. Yet I feel guilty--like I should be so excited about my German adventure that I should be dreading my return home. But home will always be home, especially during Christmas. I want to cuddle with my dog on my couch and try to get a good picture of the two of us where he cooperates . . . 11 years of no cooperation on one of our parts, if not both, stops now! And as much as I love public transit and not needing a car, I miss driving. But I dread what is inevitable--as soon as I leave, its over. Coming back to Berlin will never be the same. Both for the people, the program--pros and cons with both of those--and the fact that probably when I come back I won't be living here. Instead, I will be touristing. With different people, with hopefully a decent job and a college degree . . . my, won't the whole world look different. My, won't I be different.

My beloved Ampelmann, this is goodbye, both to you and to Berlin. It has been a blast. I've learned a lot, both about Germany and about myself, a lot of which I probably haven't figured out yet. I've met some amazing people and seen some amazing things. I can't wait to come back, or spend more than two days in London or Prague or Munich. But until then, beloved Ampelmann, stay green. Or red, depending on your mood. We will be reunited one day, even if only in our dreams.

With love,

Deine Amanda